Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
