I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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