Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
