what if every blade of grass was a penis?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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