: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
