Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
