I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
