I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I checked into jail on foursquare
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
