You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
