I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
