we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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