A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
