Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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