The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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