dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
