I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
