that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
