I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
