Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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