people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
