Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
