the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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