My Higher Power is John Stamos
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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