I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
