I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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