my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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