I just saw a hot homeless man
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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