Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
