who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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