I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
