you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
