everyone is single if you try hard enough
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
