remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
