i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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