I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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