Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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