batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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