I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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