I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
