Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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