if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
