i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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