Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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