I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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