There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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