Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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