Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
