I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
