True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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