i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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