the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
