She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
