Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
