Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
