I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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