'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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