new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
