I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
