For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
